I am a failure. I fail when I don't get my homework done when I want, or especially how I want. I fail if I don't understand something the way it should be. I fail because of expectations. Failure is totally okay. Expectations...probably not so much.
Okay so, people in general have expectations, whether that's of themselves, of others, or how things should work. Rarely does anything play out how anyone expects. Their is always some hamartia that throws a curveball and makes you second guess what you already had planned out. And it truly is a hamartia because usually expectations are grand, spectacular, anything and everything you ever wanted to happen but because of that one flaw, tragedy strikes and expectations plummet.
And you feel like you are lucky just to get out of the chaos of failure with two feet. That is me on, a weekly basis, no a daily basis; fighting off the suffocation of failure. Everyone fights failure...though they may feel it in different ways. Sometimes that failure can turn into fear, like mine has. That's why it's okay to be a failure, because without facing that fear then I couldn't grow.
Thomas Edison said, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
So basically when a person fails, they aren't ever really failing. They are only finding flaws. The only thing that fails is their expectation, that is the most painful part.
Another amazing quote: "Fall down seven times, stand up eight."
Expectations can fail. They will fail. Almost always. However that doesn't mean that you fail. Not totally. You fail once, you try again. Try until it works. Fail until you win. We can't be winners every day, but there will come a time when we won't fail and something will work. That day when you finally win you will look back at failure, and you will be thankful. You'll be thankful that you worked against failure, that you worked to get so far. Failure isn't as brutal as it seems, it makes you work, and push and prove yourself.
I am a failure. I am okay with it. Failure will pay off. I will stumble and fall but failure will not be the death of me. Failure is just the beginning.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Sunday, February 2, 2014
A World Remembering Scars
I finished THE FAULT IN OUR STARS by John Green (another AMAZING author) and I'm going to admit that I cried. I find it hard to believe that anyone can read that book without crying. That book was seriously one of the most heart wrenching books I've ever read.
I knew what was coming when I started to read it, but still it had a way of making me...feel. I felt the pain with Hazel and Augustus, and even though I didn't want to feel that pain, I read on and felt it anyway; realizing all along that even though this book is fiction it has some truth in it.
It made me accept the truth and that is still the hardest part. Oblivion is inevitable. Someday, everything and everyone I know will just simply end. And I can't help but just feel erased from a place that I was so much a part of.
BUT.
Yes there is a but. But at the end of the book, the pain settles, and I think it's because Hazel is wrong. Well she's right, but she's still wrong... Let me explain.
Yes, everything and everyone I was ever attached to will be gone someday, but I'd like to think that it won't matter so much because I'll be gone too. I remember Hazel saying something along the lines of no one can live in a person's memory forever because those people will die too. However, memories can turn into stories and stories can be passed on.
It may not matter that no one remembers who Shakespeare's muse was for Sonnet Fifty-five, because Shakespeare remembered, and he wrote it down, and that Sonnet carries his memory for him. That person is forever embedded into the words Shakespeare wrote even if they did not contain a name. As long as Shakespeare cared enough to write, Sonnet Fifty-five is all that mattered to that person.
Perhaps the most important thing that a person leaves behind is the bond of another. They may not leave a mark on everyone in this world, but that is okay because those marks are more often "scars." It does not matter how many people you touch so much as the way you make them feel. In this crazy world we remember more hideous names than beautiful ones, so rarely we remember the people that were gentle enough not to scar the world. We remember names like Hitler, or Stalin, or Saddam Hussein, and less people remember the names of the beautiful gentle souls like Anne Frank or Harriet Tubman.
So I've decided that when I die, I don't want people to just remember my name, or what I've done but I want them to remember how I made them feel. And when their memories wear thin, I can settle and watch the world pass knowing that I did not scar the world by trying to make one grand difference in a desperate attempt of remembrance, but I slowly impacted the world by impacting one person in a beautifully gentle way.
I knew what was coming when I started to read it, but still it had a way of making me...feel. I felt the pain with Hazel and Augustus, and even though I didn't want to feel that pain, I read on and felt it anyway; realizing all along that even though this book is fiction it has some truth in it.
It made me accept the truth and that is still the hardest part. Oblivion is inevitable. Someday, everything and everyone I know will just simply end. And I can't help but just feel erased from a place that I was so much a part of.
BUT.
Yes there is a but. But at the end of the book, the pain settles, and I think it's because Hazel is wrong. Well she's right, but she's still wrong... Let me explain.
Yes, everything and everyone I was ever attached to will be gone someday, but I'd like to think that it won't matter so much because I'll be gone too. I remember Hazel saying something along the lines of no one can live in a person's memory forever because those people will die too. However, memories can turn into stories and stories can be passed on.
It may not matter that no one remembers who Shakespeare's muse was for Sonnet Fifty-five, because Shakespeare remembered, and he wrote it down, and that Sonnet carries his memory for him. That person is forever embedded into the words Shakespeare wrote even if they did not contain a name. As long as Shakespeare cared enough to write, Sonnet Fifty-five is all that mattered to that person.
Perhaps the most important thing that a person leaves behind is the bond of another. They may not leave a mark on everyone in this world, but that is okay because those marks are more often "scars." It does not matter how many people you touch so much as the way you make them feel. In this crazy world we remember more hideous names than beautiful ones, so rarely we remember the people that were gentle enough not to scar the world. We remember names like Hitler, or Stalin, or Saddam Hussein, and less people remember the names of the beautiful gentle souls like Anne Frank or Harriet Tubman.
So I've decided that when I die, I don't want people to just remember my name, or what I've done but I want them to remember how I made them feel. And when their memories wear thin, I can settle and watch the world pass knowing that I did not scar the world by trying to make one grand difference in a desperate attempt of remembrance, but I slowly impacted the world by impacting one person in a beautifully gentle way.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Why I'm "That girl at the party that..."
Warning rant...oh and OPINIONS. So beware.
Today in class I was told that I am "That girl at the party that you talk to and then realize that you shouldn't have talked to her."
The worst thing about being told this is that I wasn't even given an explanation why. So I am left with my own over-analyzed assumption of why I am "That girl at the party..."
1. Women shouldn't talk more than 40% of the conversation.
2. Women shouldn't speak without permission.
3. Women shouldn't have, let alone speak their opinions.
Now, I am going to give my OPINION because I don't give a frickity frack about why I am "that girl at the party..."
I would like to first say that this is the freaking twenty-first century, in America, and women aren't the girls that wait for permission and we sure as hell aren't mindless zombies that don't have opinions. If a man is going to speak his mind then you better bet that I am going to say a few words too. If you don't like that, then stop listening.
This may be a news flash for some people, but women are intellectual too and so we can actually carry on an intelligent conversation.
Whoa...Wait! What? You mean she actually knows what she's talking about...?
This may come as a shocker, but yeah she probably does. All my life, at least, I have been told to think before I speak (or type) and so I'm trying to be relevant and contribute to the conversation.
It might be me being honest, but I think a conversation goes both ways. This isn't some kind of grading scale that is 40% homework and 60% test...um no. Conversations should be a nice fifty-fifty split. No one is any more special than the other.
According to the nice list I made...I am "That girl at the party..." and I don't give a hoot. If someone ever tells me that again then maybe I'll prove to them that I am that girl by showing them this lovely blog post. Now, I am sincerely asking, don't be that person in life that goes around big headed thinking that you have more to contribute than anyone else. I am willing to listen to you as much as you are willing to listen to me.
Finally, please think before you speak. And. If you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all.
Today in class I was told that I am "That girl at the party that you talk to and then realize that you shouldn't have talked to her."
The worst thing about being told this is that I wasn't even given an explanation why. So I am left with my own over-analyzed assumption of why I am "That girl at the party..."
1. Women shouldn't talk more than 40% of the conversation.
2. Women shouldn't speak without permission.
3. Women shouldn't have, let alone speak their opinions.
Now, I am going to give my OPINION because I don't give a frickity frack about why I am "that girl at the party..."
I would like to first say that this is the freaking twenty-first century, in America, and women aren't the girls that wait for permission and we sure as hell aren't mindless zombies that don't have opinions. If a man is going to speak his mind then you better bet that I am going to say a few words too. If you don't like that, then stop listening.
This may be a news flash for some people, but women are intellectual too and so we can actually carry on an intelligent conversation.
Whoa...Wait! What? You mean she actually knows what she's talking about...?
This may come as a shocker, but yeah she probably does. All my life, at least, I have been told to think before I speak (or type) and so I'm trying to be relevant and contribute to the conversation.
It might be me being honest, but I think a conversation goes both ways. This isn't some kind of grading scale that is 40% homework and 60% test...um no. Conversations should be a nice fifty-fifty split. No one is any more special than the other.
According to the nice list I made...I am "That girl at the party..." and I don't give a hoot. If someone ever tells me that again then maybe I'll prove to them that I am that girl by showing them this lovely blog post. Now, I am sincerely asking, don't be that person in life that goes around big headed thinking that you have more to contribute than anyone else. I am willing to listen to you as much as you are willing to listen to me.
Finally, please think before you speak. And. If you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Why write?
Today I cruised over to Always Write. and read a blog post which made me think: Why? Why write? Why a writer? How long have I wanted to be an author?
I've thought about it.
First, I should say that I've wanted to be a writer forever. Before Kindergarten, I wrote a "book" that was filled with pictures and a few words that people showed me how to write and gave it to my aunt. In Kindergarten, I wrote a "book " and gave it to my teacher. When I was little, my mom read me Dr. Seuss and I wanted to create stories like that. I wanted to have hundreds of books with my name on them.
But, when I got older, I didn't read. I struggled so much and I hated it. I forgot about the magic that is created when you read books and I whined if I had to read them. I didn't want to read until all my friends read TWILIGHT. So I read it and was so infatuated that someone could create something that came to life the way TWILIGHT did. So I wanted to write, too. That's when I started to write another "book".
By the time I was a freshmen, people would ask me how my "book" was coming along. It made me really embarrassed, so I gave up. If I look back at that "book", I always blush. It took me three years to write something that sounds so awful.
Now, I read because I rediscovered the magic in books. There's something about the way the words fit on the page, so neatly together, that makes me picture the descriptions as if I was staring at it right then and there. I stay up late reading books and getting excited for my favorite characters as I unravel their adventures. Maybe, one day I could create a story so amazingly put together that it has readers staying up late at night feeling everything I want them to feel. Maybe one day, a character I unleash into the world could be the reason a person wants to write, decides that books are wonderful.
I write for those possibilities. I write to go places I've never been. I write to meet people I want to meet. I write to imagine. I write so I can make people feel.
I've thought about it.
First, I should say that I've wanted to be a writer forever. Before Kindergarten, I wrote a "book" that was filled with pictures and a few words that people showed me how to write and gave it to my aunt. In Kindergarten, I wrote a "book " and gave it to my teacher. When I was little, my mom read me Dr. Seuss and I wanted to create stories like that. I wanted to have hundreds of books with my name on them.
But, when I got older, I didn't read. I struggled so much and I hated it. I forgot about the magic that is created when you read books and I whined if I had to read them. I didn't want to read until all my friends read TWILIGHT. So I read it and was so infatuated that someone could create something that came to life the way TWILIGHT did. So I wanted to write, too. That's when I started to write another "book".
By the time I was a freshmen, people would ask me how my "book" was coming along. It made me really embarrassed, so I gave up. If I look back at that "book", I always blush. It took me three years to write something that sounds so awful.
Now, I read because I rediscovered the magic in books. There's something about the way the words fit on the page, so neatly together, that makes me picture the descriptions as if I was staring at it right then and there. I stay up late reading books and getting excited for my favorite characters as I unravel their adventures. Maybe, one day I could create a story so amazingly put together that it has readers staying up late at night feeling everything I want them to feel. Maybe one day, a character I unleash into the world could be the reason a person wants to write, decides that books are wonderful.
I write for those possibilities. I write to go places I've never been. I write to meet people I want to meet. I write to imagine. I write so I can make people feel.
Monday, January 6, 2014
The luxury of a snow day.
Sure it's cold, and it's probably too cold to feel warm by thinking warm thoughts, with it being negative whatever degrees, but at least there are blankets and heaters.
However, I have been waiting for a snow day since the cold started creeping in. Once I forget about how cold it is the day will be even better. Especially with today being an added day to our winter break, bonus. As a result of this extra day we don't have to worry about homework, extra bonus! This all means that I am at the luxury of being bundled up in the computer chair drinking tea and typing away. Doing what my heart desires.
Currently that means getting twenty five pages to send off to Rachelle Rea because I won a giveaway at Every Good Word. :)
However, I have been waiting for a snow day since the cold started creeping in. Once I forget about how cold it is the day will be even better. Especially with today being an added day to our winter break, bonus. As a result of this extra day we don't have to worry about homework, extra bonus! This all means that I am at the luxury of being bundled up in the computer chair drinking tea and typing away. Doing what my heart desires.
Currently that means getting twenty five pages to send off to Rachelle Rea because I won a giveaway at Every Good Word. :)
I suggest checking out Rachelle's blog, writer or reader! And. Don't forget to check out Every Good Word.
So now back to my Word document.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
New Years Resolutions
I didn't want to do this at first but I'm starting to think it is a good idea. After all they (I don't know who "they" is but I'm assuming it is an old wise man meditating on the top of a peaceful mountain.) say if you write your goals down then you are more likely to achieve them. So after reading this I decided, what the heck the worst you can do is not reach them, that just makes another goal for the next year, I'm going to do it.
So here we go, a list of my goals (a summed version):
1. read more.
2. write more.
3. socialize more.
4. do more for others.
5. be adventurous.
6. be stronger.
7. be more understanding.
Oh I almost forgot this one, and I can't forget it, I'm so close and I've been working on it for 13 years now. Only a semester left.
1. Graduate!
What are your new year resolutions? Is this year going to be a big year? Is it going to be YOUR year?! I want to know!
So here we go, a list of my goals (a summed version):
1. read more.
2. write more.
3. socialize more.
4. do more for others.
5. be adventurous.
6. be stronger.
7. be more understanding.
Oh I almost forgot this one, and I can't forget it, I'm so close and I've been working on it for 13 years now. Only a semester left.
1. Graduate!
What are your new year resolutions? Is this year going to be a big year? Is it going to be YOUR year?! I want to know!
Friday, December 20, 2013
The THOUGHT that COUNTS
Christmas shopping is so hard. It's not about the thoughts anymore, it's about how much for what. The thought just isn't there.
I even catch myself thinking, I don't know what to get them; should I just get them this? That is thoughtless. Reflecting on myself I think it's pretty rude. Do I not know my friends and family well enough to get them a present that they will enjoy? Or is it just too much of a burden to actually think about a person?
Even if someone celebrates Christmas because of the gifts, wouldn't they want to think about what they are giving? Isn't the point to give and not need to receive, and if that was really the point then wouldn't someone want to give the highest valued gift they could? Valued not priced. There is a difference.
Maybe it really has been this way all along...and I was just too blind to really see it. Maybe the price tag was what its really been about. But I find that hard to believe.
Every year when we put up our Christmas tree I find myself admiring the homemade ornaments more than the store bought. The store bought are just out dated and it's clearly visible in their fadedness...but that's not the point. The point is, there are homemade Christmas ornaments that are older than the store bought, and they never look out dated. They look aged but with the graceful kind of aging (the kind that people want to happen to them). They don't look ugly because they were made with more than just glass or yarn or paint, they were made by the hands of people we love. Those ornaments were made with thought, each and everyone of them, every stitch or stroke or cut. Every single piece of its being was purposefully made that way, for us.
And I love them and I hope to have them when I get a tree, I hope to get some just like them, gifts that required thought and are timeless to me. The price tag shouldn't be more thought provoking as the people we are buying the gifts for. To me, ideally, presents should be a reflection of a person. Presents should be more about the person than the price tag, and people should start to understand this as they receive and give presents.
It's the THOUGHT that COUNTS.
I even catch myself thinking, I don't know what to get them; should I just get them this? That is thoughtless. Reflecting on myself I think it's pretty rude. Do I not know my friends and family well enough to get them a present that they will enjoy? Or is it just too much of a burden to actually think about a person?
Even if someone celebrates Christmas because of the gifts, wouldn't they want to think about what they are giving? Isn't the point to give and not need to receive, and if that was really the point then wouldn't someone want to give the highest valued gift they could? Valued not priced. There is a difference.
Maybe it really has been this way all along...and I was just too blind to really see it. Maybe the price tag was what its really been about. But I find that hard to believe.
Every year when we put up our Christmas tree I find myself admiring the homemade ornaments more than the store bought. The store bought are just out dated and it's clearly visible in their fadedness...but that's not the point. The point is, there are homemade Christmas ornaments that are older than the store bought, and they never look out dated. They look aged but with the graceful kind of aging (the kind that people want to happen to them). They don't look ugly because they were made with more than just glass or yarn or paint, they were made by the hands of people we love. Those ornaments were made with thought, each and everyone of them, every stitch or stroke or cut. Every single piece of its being was purposefully made that way, for us.
And I love them and I hope to have them when I get a tree, I hope to get some just like them, gifts that required thought and are timeless to me. The price tag shouldn't be more thought provoking as the people we are buying the gifts for. To me, ideally, presents should be a reflection of a person. Presents should be more about the person than the price tag, and people should start to understand this as they receive and give presents.
It's the THOUGHT that COUNTS.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)